Sunday, January 31, 2010

Grieving...

Grieving is so draining. I feel so emotionally drained. And it hasn't helped my depression any... I just feel like sleeping this away... But unfortunately I cannot. I try so hard to keep my grief under control so that I am not a party pooper. But I never know when my emotions are going to come flooding to the surface. Just when I think I am going to get through the pain, something - anything - nothing - just sets me off and all of a sudden I find myself either a bawling mess of tears or as good as a mad wet hen...  I just cannot win this thing with grief. I suppose I cannot expect it to be easier just yet, my aunt has only been gone 5 days. But I really thought that it would be easier since I knew it was coming with all her pain and suffering. Why isn't it? I thought it would... I was hoping it would... I was praying it would...

Is grieving easier to cope with if you know death is coming or if it comes at you without any warning at all?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Dying and Saying Good-Bye...

I'm in the hospital with my aunt. She's been here since January 13th fighting for her life. We received word Wednesday, the 20th, that she's not going to make it. All the fighting she's done in the past years against the ravaging pain of scleroderma and she's losing the war. She never stood a chance. But I take comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father will be ending her pain soon and taking her to a place where there is no pain and suffering, where there is only peace and comfort - where she can bask in His love.

She's often wondered what's she's done in life to warrant such a horrible disease, why He doesn't love her enough to put her through this. When my grandma told me this, I was haunted day and night by this. I couldn't let her die thinking He let her have this because she was bad or because He didn't love her. That would mean that every child that has died was because He didn't love them.  How untrue that is!!! He loves us all!!  I believe this with every fiber of my being! I know this because the Holy Spirit has born witness to me that He loves us! And He loves my aunt, regardless of any of her sins! Just as He loves me regardless of my sins! I was blessed to be able to share with her that she is loved by God just a day or two ago; that He loves ALL HIS CHILDREN.  And she nodded her head, smiled at me, and whispered "I know".  What a relief to this aching heart.

It's been so hard watching my beloved aunt be in so much pain. She's been so good to me all my life. She's my favorite! I know that though she'll be gone, she'll still be with me always. It will just be hard not having her physically here with me.  I have looked forward to my evening visits with her while she and my Grama live next to me during the winter months. Though it is hard to see her go through this, I feel that I am blessed that Heavenly Father brought her to me so that I can be with her during this time. And so that I can be with my Grama as well. We all share a special relationship. What a blessing it's been... What a hardship of the heart it's been...

Good-bye, Aunt Kath...  I love you.  God be with you, until we meet again...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Please pray for my aunt...

Please pray for my Aunt Kathey. She's in ICU fighting for her life. She's been given a 50/50 chance for survival from a surgery to try to save her life. She was so sick and still is. My aunt would do anything for me - has been like this all my life. I would do anything for her. She's a heart of gold.

I know that she is in God's hands and that He will do what is best for her. I cannot help to pray and hope that His plan is to make her well and bless her with quality of life and bless us with more time with her. She's so much fun to be around. I've been missing my "well" aunt. She spends the winters with me. And she hasn't been well since she got here in mid-November.  In fact, this is the 4th time she's been hospitalized since that time.  This time, the longest and much more serious.

I've created a new blog for our family and her friends back in Ohio so that everyone can keep up with her hopeful recovery.  It's titled "Kathey's Korner"...  That's where I'll be most evenings, updating her progress -- or I pray it will be progress...  Join us anytime.

Again, I ask that you'll remember her in your prayers, please.