Thursday, January 12, 2012

Me

I hope to become a better me this year. I have soo much room or sooo many areas in great need of improvement. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I hope that as I work on one area of me at a time that the growth will also strengthen me in the other areas as well.

For the "physical" me, I want to be healthier. Ok, thinner too. Can I say "thinner" when I'm not thin to begin with? Oh, well, I know what I mean. I hope you do too. Since I've been a historical failure with dieting, I'm just not going to do it anymore. But I can eat healthier. I can drink more water and less Coke. I can increase my "activities" - and get off my bottom more. So, that's my goal. One week at a time.

Emotionally. Well this one is really personal, but since I'm the only one who reads this blog, I'm okay sharing. About 5 years ago I had gotten to the point I cried. All. The. Time. It was horrible. Agonizing. I hated being so blue all the time. I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Again. (I was diagnosed 10-12 years earlier. Did therapy. And the zombie drugs. AWFUL experience.) I refused therapy this time - I really was/am fine with my life. I just cried. A lot. So I opted for meds. Again. But I told my doctor, "I dont want the kind that turns me into a zombie. I would rather feel sadness than to feel nothing." He gave me a prescription that has worked well with time. Originally I was only supposed to be on it for 6 months to level all the chemicals out that cause depression. Then one year. Then two. Then "you probably will never come off the meds." Well I am. I used to take 5 of the pills a day. It has been a very slow process, but I will and I am coming off it. It started with alternating 5 today, 4 tomorrow, 5 the next day, and so on. For a month. Originally my doctor said for two weeks then do only 4 a day. Nope didn't work. Had to do that for a month, then 4 for a month, then alternating 4 & 3 for a month. I am finishing up my first week of 3 a day. So far so good. I'll do this slow decrease until (A) I am off them entirely or (B) to the lowest dose possible. And try again. I hope.

Mentally. Well coming off the anti-depressants is key here. I hope mentally I can do this. I really want to be off the drugs. But I also don't want to spend my life crying over nothing either. With that aside, I want to read more. I love reading. So much can be learned from reading. I hope to increase in wisdom this year. I want to be smart.

Spiritually. I know that I can improve leaps in this area. Reading my scriptures habitually again. Doing a serious study of the scriptures. Now that I am a sunday school teacher, I have no choice but to read & study more. Daily. I want to improve in amount of time devoted to prayer & meditation. I want to be more confident and more bold in sharing my love of my Saviour and my testimony in Him.

I am hoping to progress one week at a time. If my goal is one week and I succeed 3-4 days then I've got a 50% success rate going. And i can reset/renew my goal next week. But if my goal is for one month and I fail on the 4th day, I tend to say/think 'I can't. So I give up. Here's hoping for a better week and a better me! :-)

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