Thursday, June 14, 2012


So now that I have gone public with my weight [REAL TRUTH WEIGHT!!], I have to be even more accountable to myself. I don’t want to ever be considered a liar – so I must keep this up. Plus, I’ve signed a one year contract to get in shape with my personal trainer. [That sounds so Hollywood – my personal trainer!] I don’t have a real goal weight. My goal is to be stronger, have endurance and be able to stand on my own two feet or one, if I choose! :D

Okay, now the REAL TRUTH of what brought this about… I’m so humiliated… First admitting my weight to you, and now this…

A month ago, I wanted to work with my husband outside – he’s so good and always does things with me inside, I wanted to give rather than take for a change – so we’re on the back of our property cleaning. It’s wooded with thousands of volunteer trees, weeds, and vines that travel the tree tops from the ground up. It happened to be in the 90’s this particular day and very humid. Very hot for an early May spring day. I’m cutting small volunteers down and piling our cuttings; everything’s going good. He starts a fire to burn some of the debris that we’ve accumulated. [Did I mention this is all wooded? Not much air moving it’s so thick with growth.] I began pulling on a particularly stubborn vine that was as big around as a shovel handle and this vine is coming down from 4 different trees that I could tell. I really thought the vine was going to win the tug of war. I’m swinging all my body weight from it at one time [only for a second, maybe two, because let’s face it – that’s a lot of weight for a weakling to hold up!!] I finally won the tug of war after about 10 minutes - I think it was at least an hour or two, but Hubby says, ‘naw, about 10 minutes – maybe a minute or two less…’ Humph! I’m sure it was more of a battle than that – I was plum tuckered out!! Anyhow – boy I digress so badly!! – he’s burning the debris, I’m huffing and puffing with my near loss to a vine, and I’m taking a break to catch my breath. I really did think the vine was going to just come down and whip my tater!
After a few minutes – give or take 10 or so minutes here or there :D – I think I’ve got my breath back, so I’ll start helping Hubby with the burning. I’m putting limbs in the fire and thinking I’m not breathing very well. So I go off to another spot and start trimming tree branches where there’s no smoke and a bit of a breeze. I’m feeling good. [As good as one can when it’s 93* degrees out & working ones buns off!] After 15-20 minutes, I take a pile of my debris over near the fire for Hubby and I can’t breathe AGAIN… So I walk away and catch my breath, again. I go to start trimming another tree but I can only take in a little whiff of air. I can’t talk to get Hubby’s attention, but he sees me go to my knees and runs over – he loves me, ya know! He helps me walk about 25 feet to our 4-wheeler. I sit down on the rear rack – he tries to drive me back to the house this way. What was he thinking!!! Even if I could have breathed I would not have wanted to ride on the rear rack!!! Men! [I digress again…] He doesn’t go far and I’m on the ground – no strength or energy to hold on and I’m gasping air. He runs to the house, gets the truck, drives it down near me, helps me get in and parks in the shade. Air is going full blast in my face and I’m feeling this is working. Meanwhile, the neighbor called, “Hey, I’m broke down on my 4-wheeler, can you pull me home?” Well, of course, I feel silly for tying my sweet Hubby up with this nonsense and tell him to go on, I’ll be fine. After saying this four or five times, he gets out of the truck and gets on our 4-wheeler, but doesn’t leave. I’m a little frustrated now; my humiliation is growing the more he sits there staring at me. So I wave him on – several times – before he leaves. He isn’t gone 2 minutes and I start gasping for breath. I really was thinking I was going to die! I call his cell phone, but I can’t say anything for sucking in air. He hears me though and after a couple of more minutes he comes speeding back into the yard. Jumps in the truck and drives me to the fire department, which is only a mile away. I’m just wishing at this point that I could crawl into a hole and die by myself. I hate being seen in such a weak state by anyone. Even dear Hubby.
The diagnosis? I was hyperventilating. Yep, I was hyperventilating. Hyperventilating of all things! My BP was extremely high but my oxygen was just fine –that ruled out an asthma attack. I asked myself for several days why that happened… It wasn’t brought on by an anxiety attack [they said that’s usually why it happens], so then why did that happen? My only conclusion is that I never fully recovered my breath and was pushing myself to keep up with my Hubby, THE Man of Endurance! And since I couldn’t, it was hot, my heart was beating too fast [I was pushing it too hard] it all just said ENOUGH! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! And I think that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard said to me. “You can’t do this.” When I really wanted to. I thought about all the many other things I’ve wanted to do. [The list is lengthy. Maybe one day I’ll share my bucket list with you.] But the final slap in this face was this realization of not being able to do those things I wanted to do because I have allowed myself to become weak and fat.

On Tuesday, May 29th, I gathered my courage and called the nearest gym to my work [taking away all excuses I could by choosing this one, downer to choosing this one: it's better known as UNIVERSITY because all the college kids go to this one – YUCK!] I went that evening, met with the director of personal training, met my trainer, and signed away 3 nights a week of my life for the next year to become a stronger healthier me. That’s 156 training sessions. That’s 43% of my evenings spent in a gym for the next year. That’s 4,680 minutes of working out to a better me! :D Let’s not forget the warm-up and cool-down times! That’s another 9,360 minutes! A total of 23,400 minutes spent in a gym for the next year. MINIMUM!! [I’m told that as time goes by I’ll “WANT” to go more often!!! Ah! Ha! Ha! That is just hilarious!!! So funny! I told my trainer and his director I thought they did very good stand-up comedy!] I’ve endured 8 of those sessions so far. ENDURED! Did you read that? I’ve ENDURED 8 of those sessions. I started them and I FINSIHED them! WOO-HOO!! My trainer is so good about pushing me when I want to give up – this is why I am paying for a PT – I would give up QUICKLY on my own. He’s very good about praising me for the things I’ve accomplished and keeping me motivated. I just wish he’d give up his love affair with planks and push-ups! Who knew there were so many ways to do planks and push-ups? Not me, certainly. Very good core training – not like the ones kids do for fun – real planks! OUCH!!! But I’m stronger this week than the first week! YES!! No weight loss – I was told not to expect any at first because I’m gaining muscle. MUSCLES!! I can’t wait until the turkey wings are gone from my arms! My waist is a waist again! My butt is no longer the biggest thing on me! I can climb stairs without fear of my knees giving out on me! I can get up and down from the floor without looking like I’m 90! Or even dreading it! I can’t wait for the moment my Hubby looks to me and says ‘aren’t you ready for a break yet!’ :D Oh, yes!! Bring on this healthier and stronger ME!!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Many, many times I have attempted to lose weight. Mostly by diet; occasionally by walking, working out to the Wii Fitness… but none of it ever REALLY worked for me. The diet doesn’t really work because I’m not a big eater – I am a big COKE addict though – as in Coca-Cola! [Back to the diet thing...] I usually have to remind myself to eat. I used to never eat breakfast, but my meds demand I eat breakfast or be sick all day. Usually, if I ate lunch, I wouldn’t eat dinner. Why? Just wouldn’t be hungry. And of course, I would rather sip on a coke all evening than eat. That’s the real truth. Well, the real truth is I would probably just drink coke all day and never eat anything if I didn’t care about trying to be somewhat healthy… [Real truth right there!] Anyhow, for the few past years or so, I’ve been making myself eat 2 meals, and as often as I can force myself, 3 meals a day. I’m a night junkie. I would much rather have a bowl of ice cream, plate of warm cookies, or some yummy kettle corn at night when I’m watching TV. For the past month, almost 2 months, I’ve restricted my night time eating to only once a week. YIKES! Harder than I thought. But I’m doing it. Have I lost any weight ridding myself of my empty night-time calories? Not a one! That’s right, not one single pound!! I could say, ‘well, since it hasn’t helped then I can continue…’ which is what I probably would have done in the past. But the real truth [here we go again!] is that though it hasn’t helped me from losing any weight – my weight incline has finally stopped. PHEW! I’ve been wondering if it was ever going to stop climbing the fat hill. Since my hip surgery in February, I have gained right at 20 pounds. It’s only been 17 weeks since my surgery – that’s more than a pound a week. AND! I’ve been going to the gym seeing a personal trainer 3 times a week, for the past 3 weeks, so that’s really 20 pounds in 14 weeks!!!! Though I have not lost any weight in the past week, I have thankfully not gained a single pound! YEE-HAW!! I was a little disappointed that I haven’t lost any, but as the trainer explained to me [ – a note here: we are starting from ground zero as I have VERY minimal muscle in this body – REAL TRUTH!!!] when we sprain an ankle what happens? It swells up of course. Why? It’s the body’s way of trying to heal and protect by filling the injured muscles with fluid. And every, let me repeat, EVERY muscle fiber in this body has been injured trying to gain strength. I cannot believe I am about to type this [we’ll see if I leave it and don’t delete this!] I am 45 years old, I have had an appendectomy, hysterectomy, gall bladder removed, shoulder surgery and hip surgery [not to mention 3 pregnancies – only 2 kids], I am 5’- 3 ½”, and I weigh………………….217 pounds… Unacceptable. Unhealthy. Uncontrollable. But not UNDOABLE. I am going to undo this. I am going to fix this. The hip surgery probably would never have been needed if I would have been doing what I am doing now 10 years ago. Probably the same for my gall bladder and shoulder. This body was not made to be so overweight. So morbidly obese. My BMI is scary. So after many, many failed attempts – and not ever really being dedicated to the thought process – I have finally changed my thinking and my way of living. I am working out! REAL TRUTH!! Am I enjoying it? Everyone said, “oh you’ll love working out!” “It makes you feel so good!” I’m still waiting for the love and the good feelings. Because of my lifelong bad terrible habits, I am paying the price – repentance – I have to do a lot of foundational work before I can even hope for results. My balance is horrible. Because of being overweight. I haven’t’ been able to stand on one foot for more than a second in a few years – because my body is not steady – its gobby fat. YUCK! So my personal trainer and I are working to gain balance and strength FIRST by waking up what muscle I have and reminding the muscles what they are there for. I have suffered pain from my neck to the arches of my feet! REAL TRUTH!! I told you every muscle fiber has been injured! And the way I was explained is that by working the muscle [injuring it, so to speak] it will heal stronger. And every time I do this, I am making my muscles stronger – the fibers knit tighter together each time as a protection… so I’m knitting my muscles! :D Because I’ve babied my deteriorating joints for so many years, I have suffered much muscle loss. But I can get a lot of it back. Never like when I was my healthiest, but I can gain muscle back, which I think is a blessing I never realized until now.